Dear IKEA. Thank you for making me never want to have children.
Large Stores+Saturday afternoon+ screaming kids= No Bueno.
Saturday, July 18, 2009
Monday, June 8, 2009
driving with the new "mom"
As resources become sparse, petrol is limited and will eventually become short in supply, I always assumed that renting a new car would demonstrate all the innovations in car manufacturing. I was ready for a V-4 sedan that would have exceptional miles per gallon, and basically nothing else.
Isn’t that what the future should hold for us? Cutting out the unnecessary extravagants in automobiles and focusing on the bare minimum- getting us from A to B with the least damage to our surroundings during the process.
Well, I was put back in my place when the car I rented was a V-6 engine, had the pickup power of a motorcycle (which come on, who needs that? Does it really matter that it takes me 20 seconds to get to 60 miles per hour instead of 10?) and had a built in “mom”.
Some of you may wonder…what exactly is this thing called a built in “mom”? Well, I can proudly say that I’ve patented the name “mom” for my cars functionalities.
So let’s start our trip and see how my car does everything in it’s power to annoy me, cause distraction, and become the nagging mother you always tried to leave out of the front seat.
(Note- I’m not referring to MY mother when I speak of this bothersome, nagging mom. My mom actually rocks. However, she still has her backseat driver moments as all moms do…)
My trip consists of a 5 hour drive on the Albany Hwy to Southwest Australia…to…you guessed it...Albany.
I’m not one for rest-stops and freshening up. Get me down there. The way I see it is if I’m not tired and I don’t need to pee, than I don’t want to stop. 2 hours into my trip I hear this awful beeping noise coming from my dashboard. What in &#% is that sound? A bit distracting when I’m approaching speeds of 70mph on a country highway. Rather than watching for dodging kangaroos, I’m searching for an obscure beep on my car. Could my car be breaking down? Is it telling me something bad?
No. Of course not. The icon that is flashing on my dashboard is of a mug with heat coming off. Apparantly the car is trying to tell me to drink coffee. Obviously I need caffeine because I’ve been driving for 2 hours. Oh really? Because I’m fairly certain I stare at a computer for over ½ my day, everyday at work which is far less exciting. I don’t need a coffee to keep me alive for this task, although it provides a nice distraction…like insant coffee doesn’t provide that excitement to everyone in the world.
The makers of my car wanted to make sure you’re safe on the road. I guess that’s not so horrible. Except the sound and flashing mug will not disappear until you pull over. Now…a recommendation to drink coffee is one thing, but to force you to pull over because you want to smash your dashboard due to an annoying sound? That’s just wrong. Let me drive jerk.
So mom has spoken and told me that I am unable to drive for more than 2 hours. I always thought that turning 25 last year was great because despite the sadness of being a quarter century, the one good thing is that I can rent a car. What no one mentions is that renting a car isn’t so fun when mom is sitting on your dashboard telling you to get coffee.
So I get a coffee. It’s a crappy instant coffee and I’m fairly annoyed of the effort I’ve made.
And I continue driving….
Of course, the coffee goes through my in about 5 minutes and I have ages til I reach another rest station. My reaction is to speed. Not a lot. The speed limit is 110 km and I decide to go 120kmph (only 6milesperhour above). Except as soon as I reach 115 my car starts beeping again. But not the same beep as before. This beep is much more incessant. I look down and of course, there is a big flashing light in bright red letters that says SPEED. You gotta be kidding me. I thought speeding was at the risk of the driver? That’s my choice to drive above a stated limit. If I get- caught, fine me. If I don’t, tough. Since when does your CAR assess this? I spend the next 5 minutes of my drive trying to figure out if there is an automatic sensor that knows the speed limit, or if the car manufacturer has decided that 115kmph is the max they want you to drive. Too bad the car goes up to 240kmph. Maybe instead of limiting my speed with a beeping red light, they should just decrease the maximum speed capacity? Then I don’t any better that the car manufacturer is trying to control my life.
And this whole time…the little mom at the dashboard is chuckling because she has you under her watchful eye. Not only can’t you drive more than 2 hours collectively, but now you can’t speed. While GM declares bankruptcy, car sales are at an all time slump....I can't help but think that maybe people stopped buying cars because they're pissed off with the new built in mom. I'll stick with my bike for now.
Isn’t that what the future should hold for us? Cutting out the unnecessary extravagants in automobiles and focusing on the bare minimum- getting us from A to B with the least damage to our surroundings during the process.
Well, I was put back in my place when the car I rented was a V-6 engine, had the pickup power of a motorcycle (which come on, who needs that? Does it really matter that it takes me 20 seconds to get to 60 miles per hour instead of 10?) and had a built in “mom”.
Some of you may wonder…what exactly is this thing called a built in “mom”? Well, I can proudly say that I’ve patented the name “mom” for my cars functionalities.
So let’s start our trip and see how my car does everything in it’s power to annoy me, cause distraction, and become the nagging mother you always tried to leave out of the front seat.
(Note- I’m not referring to MY mother when I speak of this bothersome, nagging mom. My mom actually rocks. However, she still has her backseat driver moments as all moms do…)
My trip consists of a 5 hour drive on the Albany Hwy to Southwest Australia…to…you guessed it...Albany.
I’m not one for rest-stops and freshening up. Get me down there. The way I see it is if I’m not tired and I don’t need to pee, than I don’t want to stop. 2 hours into my trip I hear this awful beeping noise coming from my dashboard. What in &#% is that sound? A bit distracting when I’m approaching speeds of 70mph on a country highway. Rather than watching for dodging kangaroos, I’m searching for an obscure beep on my car. Could my car be breaking down? Is it telling me something bad?
No. Of course not. The icon that is flashing on my dashboard is of a mug with heat coming off. Apparantly the car is trying to tell me to drink coffee. Obviously I need caffeine because I’ve been driving for 2 hours. Oh really? Because I’m fairly certain I stare at a computer for over ½ my day, everyday at work which is far less exciting. I don’t need a coffee to keep me alive for this task, although it provides a nice distraction…like insant coffee doesn’t provide that excitement to everyone in the world.
The makers of my car wanted to make sure you’re safe on the road. I guess that’s not so horrible. Except the sound and flashing mug will not disappear until you pull over. Now…a recommendation to drink coffee is one thing, but to force you to pull over because you want to smash your dashboard due to an annoying sound? That’s just wrong. Let me drive jerk.
So mom has spoken and told me that I am unable to drive for more than 2 hours. I always thought that turning 25 last year was great because despite the sadness of being a quarter century, the one good thing is that I can rent a car. What no one mentions is that renting a car isn’t so fun when mom is sitting on your dashboard telling you to get coffee.
So I get a coffee. It’s a crappy instant coffee and I’m fairly annoyed of the effort I’ve made.
And I continue driving….
Of course, the coffee goes through my in about 5 minutes and I have ages til I reach another rest station. My reaction is to speed. Not a lot. The speed limit is 110 km and I decide to go 120kmph (only 6milesperhour above). Except as soon as I reach 115 my car starts beeping again. But not the same beep as before. This beep is much more incessant. I look down and of course, there is a big flashing light in bright red letters that says SPEED. You gotta be kidding me. I thought speeding was at the risk of the driver? That’s my choice to drive above a stated limit. If I get- caught, fine me. If I don’t, tough. Since when does your CAR assess this? I spend the next 5 minutes of my drive trying to figure out if there is an automatic sensor that knows the speed limit, or if the car manufacturer has decided that 115kmph is the max they want you to drive. Too bad the car goes up to 240kmph. Maybe instead of limiting my speed with a beeping red light, they should just decrease the maximum speed capacity? Then I don’t any better that the car manufacturer is trying to control my life.
And this whole time…the little mom at the dashboard is chuckling because she has you under her watchful eye. Not only can’t you drive more than 2 hours collectively, but now you can’t speed. While GM declares bankruptcy, car sales are at an all time slump....I can't help but think that maybe people stopped buying cars because they're pissed off with the new built in mom. I'll stick with my bike for now.
Friday, February 13, 2009
I haven't updated my blog in over 3 months. In fact, when I checked it today, I actually realized that I haven't written anything worthwhile in about a year. Mostly run-on crap about nothing at all. I think I'm ready to write again.
Maybe that's because I just returned from a haircut that was the worst experience of my life. I hand a picture of my hair 4 months ago. I tell him that the length in the photo is what I want. Don't take off practically anything in the front. Slant it. I have curly hair. Hence it curls up a lot. That's it. oh, and i hate people cutting my hair.
$40 and 8 minutes later, I have no hair. he chopped the whole damn thing off. There is no slant. There is no nothing. Who is this man who doesn't listen to me or follow my picture?
No friend of mine.
Maybe that's because I just returned from a haircut that was the worst experience of my life. I hand a picture of my hair 4 months ago. I tell him that the length in the photo is what I want. Don't take off practically anything in the front. Slant it. I have curly hair. Hence it curls up a lot. That's it. oh, and i hate people cutting my hair.
$40 and 8 minutes later, I have no hair. he chopped the whole damn thing off. There is no slant. There is no nothing. Who is this man who doesn't listen to me or follow my picture?
No friend of mine.
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